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Ever Heard This?

By F. W. Chambers

(December 1916)

Sweet Are the Uses of Advertisement

A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland.

Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for So-and-Soís whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, "Iím glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement."

"Itís noí that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "itís rotten whusky."

Canny Scot

Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."

The Thoughtful Patient

A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. On arriving at the house he enquired:

"What church do you attend?"

"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.

"Why, then, did you not send for your own minister?"

"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would not risk him. Do you noí ken itís a dangerous case of typhoid?"

A Southerner and Scotland

A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "God made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."

A Witty Reply

One day a celebrated advocate was arguing before a very stupid and very rude Scotch judge who, to express his contempt of what he was saying, pointed with one forefinger to one of his ears, and with the other to the opposite one.

"You see this, Mr. ----?"

"I do, my lord," said the advocate.

"Well, it just goes in here and comes out there!" and his lordship smiled with the hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually said a good thing.

"I do not doubt it, my lord. What is there to prevent it?"

No Matter What Colour

An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I donít know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."

The Scotsman and the Joke

An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a walking tour in the Highlands when they came to a signpost which said, "Five miles to Stronachlachar."

Underneath this was written, "If you cannot read inquire at the bakerís." The Englishman laughed heartily when he read it, but refused to tell the Scotsman the joke. That night the Englishman was surprised at being woke up by his companion, who seemed much amused at something. Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, "Och, mon, I hae just seen the joke--the baker might not be in."

War and Taxes

Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer. A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why? "Itís aí awiní to the war," said Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"

Scotch Understanding

A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honour of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."

A Cunning Elder

A canny Scot had got himself installed in the eldership of the church, and, in consequence, had for some time carried round the ladle for the collections. He had accepted the office of elder because some wag had made him believe that the remuneration was six-pence each Sunday, with a bag of meal on New Yearís Day. When the time arrived, he claimed his reward, but was told he had been hoaxed. "It may be sae wií the meal," he said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences myselí."

As You Like It

An old Scotch laird used to say he didnít care how he dressed when in London, "because nobody knew him." And he didnít care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."

Moral Qualifications

A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had been asking the character of a cook she was about to engage. The lady whom the servant was leaving naturally entered a little upon her moral qualifications, and described her as a very decent woman. To which the first-named replied, "Oh, d--n her decency, can she make good porridge?"

A Good Reason

"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an inattentive member of his congregation.

"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel say that oí me! what can you mean, sir?"

"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, youíre almost always fast asleep before Iíve well given out my text; but when any of these young men from other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, thatís what I call no using me as you should do."

"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that aí? Iíll sune tell you the reason of that. When you preach we aí ken the word of Godís safe in your hands; but when these young birkies takí it in haun, my certie, but it takís us aí to look after them."

The Scotchmanís Souvenir

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman who had been on holidays were comparing the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman had a bust of Shakespeare from Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you canít beat this," and he produced a tea-spoon marked "L.&N.W.R."

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