Friend Mac Donald

By Max O'Rell

Published 1887

  • Chapter I--A Word to Donald--The Scotch Anecdote and its Character--The Scotch painted by Themselves
  • Chapter II--Donald, a British Subject, but no Englishman--Opinion of the greatest English Wit on the Scotch, and the worth of that Opinion--The Wit of Donald and the Wit of the Cockney--Intelligence and Intellectuality--Donald's Exterior--Donald's Interior--Help yourself and Heaven will help you--An Irish and a Scotch Servant facing a Difficulty--How a small Scotchman may make himself useful in the Hour of Danger--Characteristics--Donald on Train Journeys--One Way of avoiding Tolls
  • Chapter III--All Scots know how to Reckon--Rabelais in Scotland--How Donald made Twopence-halfpenny by going to the Lock-up--Difference between Buying and Stealing--Scotch Honesty--Last Words of a Father to his Son--Abraham in Scotland--How Donald outdid Jonathan--Circumspection, Insinuations, and Negations--Delicious Declarations of Love--Laconism--Conversation reduced to its simplest Expression--A, e, i, o, u--A Visit to Thomas Carlyle--The Silent Academy of Hamadan--With the Author's Compliments
  • Chapter IV--The traditional Hospitality of the Highlands--One more fond Belief gone--Highland Bills--Donald's two Trinities--Never trust Donald on Saturdays and Mondays--The Game he prefers--A Well-informed Man--Ask no Questions and you will be told no Tales--How Donald showed prodigious Things to a Cockney in the Highlands--There is no Man so dumb as he who will not be heard
  • Chapter V--Resemblance of Donald to the Norman--Donald marketing--Bearding a Barber--Norman Replies--Cant--Why the Whisky was not marked on the Hotel Bill--New Use for the Old and New Testaments--You should love your Enemies and not swallow them--A modest Wish
  • Chapter VI--Democratic Spirit in Scotland--One Scot as good as another--Amiable Beggars--Familiarity of Servants--Shout all together!--A Scotchman who does not admire his Wife--Donald's Pride--The Queen and her Scotch People--Little Presents keep alive Friendship
  • Chapter VII--Scottish Perseverance--Thomas Carlyle, David Livingstone, and General Gordon--Literary Exploits of a Scotchman--Scottish Students--All the Students study--A useful Library--A Family of three--Coming, Sir, coming!--Killed in Action--Scotchmen at Oxford--Balliol College
  • Chapter VIII--Good old Times--A Trick--Untying Cravats--Bible and Whisky--Evenings in Scotland--The Dining-room--Scots of the old School--Departure of the Whisky and Arrival of the Bible--The Nightcap in Scotland--Five Hours' Rest--The Gong and its Effects--Fresh as Larks--Iron Stomachs
  • Chapter IX--Religion and Churches in Scotland--Why Scotch Bishops cut a poor Figure--Companies for Insuring against the Accidents of the Life to come--Religious Lecture-Rooms--No one can Serve two Masters--How the Gospel Camel was able to pass through the Eye of a Needle--Incense and Common Sense--I understand, therefore I believe--Conversions at Home--Conversions in Open Air--A modest Preacher--A well-filled Week--Touching Piety--Donald recommends John Bull and Paddy to the Lord
  • Chapter X--Donald's Relations with the Divinity--Prayers and Sermons--Signification of the word "Receptivity"--Requests and Thanksgivings--"Repose in Peace"--"Thou excelledst them all"--Explanation of Miracles--Pulpit Advertisements--Pictures of the Last Judgment--One of the Elect belated--An Urchin Preacher--A Considerate Beggar
  • Chapter XI--The Scotch Sabbath--The Saviour in the Cornfield--A good Advertisement--Difference between the Inside and the Outside of an Omnibus--How useful it is to be able to speak Scotch in Scotland--Sermon and Lesson on Balistics at Edinburgh--If you do Evil on the Sabbath, do it well
  • Chapter XII--Scotch Bonhomie--Humour and Quick-Wittedness--Reminiscences of a Lecturer--How the Author was once taken for an Englishman
  • Chapter XIII--Drollery of Scotch Phraseology--A Scotchman who Lost his Head--Two Severe Wounds--Premature Death--A Neat Comparison--Cold Comfort
  • Chapter XIV--Family Life--"Can I assist you?"--"No I will assist myself, thank you"--Hospitality in good Society--The Friends of Friends are Friends--When the Visitors come to an End there are more to follow--Good Society--Women--Men--Conversation in Scotland--A touching little Scene
  • Chapter XV--Little Sketches of Family Life in Scotland--The Scotchman of "John Bull and his Island"--Painful Explanations--As a Father I love you, as a Customer I take you in--A good Investment--Killing two Birds with one Stone--A young Man in a Hurry
  • Chapter XVI--Matrimonial Ceremonies--Sweethearts--"Un serrement de main vaut dix serments de bouche"--"Jack's kisses were nicer than that"--A Platonic Lover--"Excuse me, I'm married"--A wicked Trick
  • Chapter XVII--Donald is not easily knocked down--He calmly contemplates Death, especially other people's--A thoughtful Wife--A very natural Request--A consolable Father--"Job," 1st chapter, 21st verse--Merry Funerals--They manage Things better in Ireland--Gone just in Time--Touching Funeral Orations
  • Chapter XVIII--Intellectual Life in Scotland--The Climate is not so bad as it is represented to be--Comparisons--Literary and Scientific Societies--Why should not France possess such Societies?--Scotch Newspapers--Scotland is the Sinew of the British Empire
  • Chapter XIX--Higher Education in Scotland--The Universities--How they differ from English Universities--Is he a Gentleman?--Scholarships--A visit to the University of Aberdeen--English Prejudice against Scotch Universities
  • Chapter XX--Scotch Literature--Robert Burns--Walter Scott--Thomas Carlyle--Adam Smith--Burns Worship--Scotch Ballads and Poetry
  • Chapter XXI--The Dance in Scotland--Reels and Highland Schottische--Is Dancing a Sin?--Dances of Antiquity--There is no Dancing now
  • Chapter XXII--The Wisdom of Scotland--Proverbs--Morals in Words and Morals in Deeds--Maxims--The Scot is a Judge of Human Nature--Scotch and Norman Proverbs compared--Practical Interpretation of a Passage of the Bible
  • Chapter XXIII--Massacre of the English Tongue--Donald, the Friend of France--Scotch Anecdotes again--Reason of their Drollery--Picturesque Dialect--Dry Old Faces--A Scotch Chambermaid--Oddly-placed Moustachios--My Chimney Smokes--Sarcastic Spirit--A good Chance of entering Paradise thrown away--Robbie Burns and the Greenock Shopkeeper
  • Chapter XXIV--The Staff of Life in Scotland--Money is round and flat--Cheap Restaurants--Democratic Bill of Fare--Caution to the Public--"Parritch!"--The Secret of Scotland's Success--The National Drink of Scotland--Scotch and Irish Whiskies--Whisky a very slow Poison--Dean Ramsay's best Anecdote
  • Chapter XXV--Hors d'oeuvre--A Word to the Reader, and another to the Critic--A Man who has a right to be Proud--Why?
  • Chapter XXVI--Glasgow--Origin of the Name--Rapid Growth of the City--St Mungo's Injunction to Donald--James Watt and the Clyde--George Square--Exhibition of Sculpture in the open Air--Royal Exchange--Wellington again--Wanted an Umbrella--The Cathedral--How it was saved by a Gardener--The Streets--Kelvingrove Park--The University--The Streets at Night--The Tartan Shawls a Godsend--The Populace--Pity for the poor little Children--Sunday Lectures in Glasgow--To the Station, and let us be off
  • Chapter XXVII--Edinburgh--Glasgow's Opinion thereof, and vice versā--High Street--The Old Town--John Knox's House--The old Parliament House--Holyrood Palace--Mary Stuart--Arthur's Seat--The University--The Castle--Princes Street--Two Greek Buildings--The Statues--Walter Scott--The inevitable Wellington again--Calton Hill--The Athens of the North and the modern Parthenon--Why did not the Scotch buy the ancient Parthenon of the modern Greeks?--Lord Elgin--The Acropolis of Edinburgh--Nelson for a Change
  • Chapter XXVIII--Where are the Scotch?--Something wanting in the Landscape--The Inhabitants--The Highlanders and the Servant Girls--Evening in Princes Street--Leith and the Firth of Forth--Rossend Castle at Burntisland--Mary Stuart once more--I receive Scotch Hospitality in the Bedroom where Chastelard was as enterprising as unfortunate
  • Chapter XXIX--Aberdeen the Granite City--No sign of the Statue of "you know whom"--All Grey--The Town and its Suburbs--Character of the Aberdonian--Why London could not give an Ovation to a Provost of Aberdeen--Blue Hill--Aberdeen Society--A thoughtful Caretaker--To this Aberdonian's Disappointment, I do not appear in Tights before the Aberdeen Public
  • Chapter XXX--The Thistle--"Nemo me impune lacessit"--"Honi soit qui Mollet pince"--Political Aspirations of the Scotch--Signification of Liberalism in Scotland--Self-Government in the near Future--Coercive Pills--The Disunited Kingdom--The United Empire

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